Official Corny Jokes Thread

[MrNuke]

Why did the chicken go to a Seance?



To get to the other side..



Keep it going people.

[jeffg87]

A Guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots of expensive booze and drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking them so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd be drinking them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Why what do you have?"
The guy says, "about 75 cents."

[MrNuke]

Two flies are on the porch. Which one is the actor?
.
.
.
The one on the screen.

[JZ06]

 

[JZ06]

A guy walks in to a bar where He sees a guy sitting next to the bar with a tiny little dude playing the piano. He asks the guy "Where did that little guy come from? it's amazing how well He plays piano, and how small He is!" The guy replies"Well, it's from this lamp, with a genie inside!" The other fellow asks, "Do you still have the lamp? Can I use it, and make a wish?" The guy said "Sure, but you only get ONE wish, like I did" so He is handed the lamp, the genie pops out and the genie asks"What would you like, as a reward for freeing me, I will grant you ONE wish?" So the guy said "A million bucks!" The genie said ok, poof. But, the guy is surrounded by a million ducks! and is miffed. He said, Genie, I told you I wanted a million BUCKS....oh, I'm sorry said the Genie, Just like he said he wanted a 12" PENI$(not pianist)

[Pistol Pete]

A cop sees a guys on his hands & knees under a street light.
"What are you doing?" The cop asks
"Looking for my wallet" the man answers
"Where'd you loose it"?
"About  1/2 a block down"
"Why are you looking here?"
"Because the lights better"

[Brno22F]

Bob decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.."

Bob is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As Bob looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white..

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," Bob blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, Bob accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, Bob goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you have access Connecticut Gun Talk?"

[KevinB]

My uncle was a magician. He would walk down the street and turn into a bar.

[romma]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is
surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down
the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, b*tch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and
soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks
back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly
with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique,
the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly
male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the
emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000
feet.

As the two hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the man,
"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
 
 

[romma]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[jb]

a horse sat down at the bar and the bartender asked why the long face

[KevinB]

Butterball issued a recall on some of it's turkeys... not enough butter on the balls.

Happy Thanksgiving.