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Approximately 8mo. ago, my grandfather purchased a very gently used, 2006 Buick Lacrosse CX on a whim; after we had told him to just WAIT for one goddamn minute, and hold off for a state auction. As bull-headed as he is, he decides that he is going to go out & buy the very first car he sees... just another poor decision. My grandfather is a very senile, very gullible man, who quite frankly is susceptible to being prey for all manner of charlatans & thieves. Unfortunately, they got to him before we could stop it, why I'm writing here today.

The car was from California. Other than a smattering of paint chips missing from the very edge of the hood, the car was FLAWLESS, with less than 30,000mi. on the odometer. The grey cloth interior felt of... appropriate, quality & an instrument cluster that was just... disorienting at best. Upon entering the car, you feel claustrophobic; surely a BUICK should be a fairly roomy, luxurious car. Not a chance. I, my mother, & my two sisters are all fairly small people in our own right, & we have quite a difficult time just fitting in the car, let alone getting comfortable. The cupholders are about 6'' too far rearward, and they're far too close to your elbows. Knocking over your coffee (or any other non-alcoholic beverage) while trying to crank the wheel will irritate you to no end. It DOES have a VERY good radio though; which surprised me. For shits & giggles, I popped in a Pantera CD & blasted it full volume around the south end of Torrington. Hey. If I got shot up by a group of hood rats, at least I'd die listening to some extreme semi-pentatonics courtesy of Dimebag Darrel.

After getting used to the interior, we popped the hood. Lying underneath the sheet-metal canopy was the all-famous, ass-kicking Buick-Powered 3.8 liter V-6; the engine that in 1987, singlehandedly sent the Ford 302 running to it's non-smog-regulated momma in tears stemming from inadequacy issues. Previously owning a 1990 Oldsmobile 98 Regency with the same motor, we had imagined the even smaller & FAR lighter Buick would be an absolute hoot to drive; perhaps giving my reworked Crown Vic a run for it's money. The Oldsmobile we had weighed well over 4000lbs., and in short stints would smoke most small block V-8's. I specifically recall a few 3-series BMW's getting their butts handed to them by that porky, overweight Oldsmobile on the freeway. When you see the numbers "3.8", coupled with the image of a 1987 Buick GNX... your mind instantly goes to visions of AWESOME brake-stands & holeshots.

Stepping into the Buick, and starting it up, my hopes rose. Surely this little car was going to be a rocket that was not only good on gas, but would fly like a meth-abusing bat out of hell on a crack binge. FWD & with that legendary engine, you would think that this little, tiny car would fly.

Not. Even. Close. The Factory 0-60mph is an ESTIMATED 8.6sec. With all 192lbs. of me in this vehicle, the absolute very best I could muster from it was nearly 11 seconds!!! No wheelspin WHATSOEVER. I hold the belief that my grandfather's aging 1998 Izuzu Hombre is faster... at least it's a manual. The automatic slushbox feebly shifts at the most inopportune times, and the castrated 3.8 breathes through a single exhaust tube, with all manner of restrictive bends built in. I compare the sound to an asthmatic woman smoking a cigarette while having a heart attack & a panic attack, simultaneously at full throttle. Driving it gently on the highway, the BEST gas mileage I can get, is 22mpg... and that is on a GOOD day. In town, think more like 16mpg. Our fat-ass Mercury Grand Marquis at least gets decent mileage, with plenty of horsepower & bottom end torque to spare and weighs even more! Getting through a three way intersection with this little car is a CHORE in and of itself.

Fine. I can deal with a car being underpowered. But being used to big, fat, heavy, clumsy cars, I should be able to step into a small car, and have it hold ground like a ninja on a caffeine bender. Guess again. This car doesn't want to hold the road. EVERY time you go around even a moderate turn at any appreciable speed, the car just wants to fly off course, & go into whatever is in the outside of the turn; you actually have to slow down to less than 20mph to get into a fairly steep angled turn safely, without any tire chirp. You have to lug on the steering wheel to get it to move; it's as if the car is perpetually numb. Every time you're on the freeway and a gust of wind hits the car, it throws it over a whole lane. This car does not handle corners well at all, and it certainly isn't stable enough to hold the road. Ride quality is worse than a Toyota Camry; not what I would expect from a BUICK. My mother's fat Grand Marquis handles EXTRAORDINARILY well at very unreasonable speeds, and my Police Interceptor Crown Victoria even better. So why are two cars that are far larger, and probably weigh a ton more able to hold the road better?

Okay... so it's not ALL bad, right? Let's talk about build quality. First things first, the body panels are like rice paper. I can walk up to this thing, press on the middle of the door with the trim with one finger, & actually distort the sheet metal. Compared to the sheet metal on a 1973 International Travelall, this little car is basically made of tin-foil. The struts, & most all suspension components are stamped, with the exception of the springs, & are crudely finished. As a unitized chassis, structural integrity is a MUST... and this car simply doesn't have it. Maybe I am just used to 5000+lb., body-on-frame cars, but I'm a little uneasy riding in something so shoddily built. This morning, coming home from work my mother went to open the door. The handle pulled completely off, no joke. I had to run up to where she was, jimmy the door open, & get the car out of there, and up to the garage we frequent (it was due anyway, but this was just another thing for them to tackle).

In summation: Don't ever buy a brand new Buick. They're underpowered, get terrible gas mileage, don't handle worth shit, are totally unergonomic, & quite frankly I don't feel that they're all that safe. It's sad when two much larger, much older cars are able to easily outrun, & outhandle what is supposed to be a "sporty" Buick.

I doubt I'd be able to run from a pickup truck, God forbid I had to. This car is nothing but a one-night stand gone horribly, horribly wrong. Please, for the love of God and all that is Holy... do not buy one.

Gregg,
Sorry to hear about your troubled Buick! I don't know about your particular car but my Mom's is a 2006 Lacrosse CX and she gets over 30 MPG consistantly!I have gotten 36 MPG on a trip to Maine last Xmas and I didn't bably it! It rides beautiful and is quite comfortable with my 260/6ft frame! It's not the old cruiser like the 70's and 80's but this particular one is quite nice!
Zindo

First of all, you've got a smogged up Kaleefornicator version! Second I doubt the computer in your vehicle or the fuel injection is performing correctly It might start every time and run but that does not mean it's running right or at it's potential!
I had a 2000 Old's Intrique that has the exact same motor and I got 30+ MPG ALL the time. Even when it had 180,000 on it and I sold it! Your Grandad should have listened to you but he didn't and he most likely bought somebody else's LEMON!!


Zindo

Wow, excellent review. I like the brand new Buick Lacrosse's, but IMO they are way overpriced, considering years ago they were out of business. They look good, but I also heard they don't exactly perform, and cost almost as much as nice Caddy.

I really don't think there is much for the same price that rivals it.

Buy a Crown Victoria or a Mercury Grand Marquis, instead of a new Buick, and save some money.

The 8.3sec 0-60 that they give the brand new Grand Marquis is utter B.S.; I DID test drive a brand new Grand Marquis out of curiosity. 8.3sec. with the pedal half down maybe... 

If you're going to buy a luxury car, don't half-azz it. If you want a tough-as-nails, powerful, full-sized, sedan, that can win a few drag races & survive a shoving match with a Dodge Ram & come out winning...

Look no further than a Grand Marquis. I love these cars.